Professional Actor Demonstrates "Talon Clench"

Welcome back to continuing coverage of me throttling the neck of “The Dirty Bird”. In this follow-up (link to previous article), I would like to resurrect the bird, although I would like to give him a better name. In plain words, the Falcons organization has a new identity, and it is time that we as fans use the right labels and displays to reflect that. The old “Dirty” has to go. “Dirty”, when applied to the Atlanta Falcons, has had a connotation of lawless, lewd, or self-defeating behavior. While I personally value all of these qualities, I much prefer to see them in rappers, rock stars, and Charlie Sheen. I hate to see them in my football team because the competition is too fierce to produce a “Dirty” champion at the professional or even collegiate level. As I said in part one, the “Dirty Birds” were a team satisfied with a fortunate Super Bowl berth. I am not on that team. I am on the team of Matt Ryan, Mike Smith, Thomas Dimitroff, and Arthur Blank. We hunger for the Lombardi Trophy and we will rip the throats out of those who stand against us! That’s right, and I’m speaking on behalf of all five of us.

So where do we go from here? We are vicious, but we are not dirty, and in fact, we are beautiful. Fortunately, for Falcons fans, our mascot embodies the perfect compromise.

The falcon is a bird of prey on a freakish level. It can fly at over 200 mph, diving in your general direction, and then, at the very last instant, it can change its flight path dramatically and gouge out your eye with one of its large talons. Do you think it is hard to swat a housefly? That turd-gobbler is capable of bursting to 15 mph when threatened. Scientists recently clocked the falcon at 242 mph. It is the fastest living thing, period.

What will you do when the Falcon decides that your eyeball would look good on his thumb talon? You should be very vigilant. Try to detect the Falcon before he strikes. It will be hard for he is not large. You could perhaps spot him at 50 or 100 yards. The problem for you is that when you see him from that distance, he can see you as though he were five or ten yards away. His visual acuity is at least ten times greater than yours. Yet, you still feel secure. The falcon is weak compared to you. You have the strength of a Chicago Bear, a Detroit Lion, or a Tennessee Titan. Ha-ha-ha! The Falcon laughs at your strength. What good is your strength when you have no eyes? The Falcon will strip every inch of your flesh if it takes from August to February.

You never even considered it, but in the UFC of NFL mascots, the Falcon wins (don’t try to argue for the Chargers, I have that one COVERED…. $#*@ – a charger is defined as something used to charge batteries, a war horse, or a decorative platter – if you want to ignore the definition and focus on the bolt symbol, then in order for a lightning bolt to compete in the UFC of NFL mascots, it must have a will of its own, which is of course, one absurdity heaped upon another). The falcon is at the apex of the food chain, meaning it has no known predators, including man. If you are considering hunting one, leave the shotgun at home. Napalm is a better option, but the falcon would probably escape that as well. You guessed it – to kill a falcon you will probably have to exercise the nuclear option.

Therefore, my point is that, once you understand the falcon’s alpha dominance, you do not have to make up silly nicknames for it to be a special mascot. I say that we give it a fierce nickname that reflects the vicious glory of the animal. The falcon is the world’s most widespread bird of prey, or raptor (no, raptors are not eight foot tall genius dinosaurs that made Jeff Goldblum speak in choppy sentences in the nineties – don’t tell Toronto, but that was pure Hollywood). Raptor is from the same Latin root as the words rape and rapacious. So why don’t we build on the word raptor for a fun nickname? How about the Red and Black Raptors? That is so simple, why didn’t I think of that? Even more fierce, is Black Raptors, which kind of sounds like black rappers, which may or may not be a good thing. You decide. The Ravens cannot call themselves that because they are classified as scavengers, not raptors. They are stout birds, but pussies compared to falcons. I think that will suffice. Let us focus on the fierceness of the raptor rather than the dirtiness of the bird, whatever that was. Now, let us build on the “Raptor Revolution”.

One fun motto for the Raptor Revolution can harken back to Napoleon Dynamite who asked, “Do the chickens have large talons?” Unfortunately for Napoleon, the question was never answered because the farmer didn’t know what a “talon” was. For our motto, we can answer his question. “We Have Large Talons” can be a fun slogan for fans of the Red and Black Raptors.

But wait, there’s more!!! Instead of doing the stupid “dirty bird” dance, you can show your Falcons pride by “showing your talons”. To do so, simply extend your thumb, index, and middle fingers while clenching the other two (see pic above – it is really made of four talons, but the shape is three-pronged). You can do it palm facing out like you are snatching prey. Try it – suddenly you are doing it repeatedly like the “tomahawk chop”! My dream is a sea of fans all doing the “talon clench” in unison (I considered calling it the “talon snatch” but restrained myself). If you really want to get freaky, belt out your best high-pitched “caw” as you strike at the air.

But that is not all you get!!! To be even more aggressive, fully extend all three talons and face the palm inward, like you are “flicking the bird”. Do this while making a tough face, and you are “flicking the raptor”. I don’t know about you, but when I do it with my hand and face, it looks pretty fierce.

“Flicking the raptor” will serve three purposes. First, it will serve as the Falcons fan’s universal response to chants of “Who Dat” (hopefully, at least one person will get stabbed because of this). Second, it is a way to wake up fellow Falcon fans who are not participating in the “Raptor Revolution”. If you see someone occupying a dome seat who is not yelling and cheering like their hair is on fire, perhaps you should “give them the talons” in a serious yet encouraging way.  Finally, “showing your talons” will be a way for fans to salute one another in any situation.  For example, when I wear my Falcons hats and t-shirts in public, I would like to have a way to say hi to others who are wearing Falcons gear.  Up until now, I usually just said “Go Falcons” which made me feel a little proud but a lot awkward.  For some reason, I think it would be much smoother to flash my talons at my fellow fan, and if he/she is not paying attention, I will demand it with a fierce “Caw!”  I leave you with some sounds and images of the way the “Raptor Revolution” feels about the other 31 NFL franchises. Finally, if you still doubt the alpha dominance of the falcon, go here.  

Entering the 2011 Draft, there was a broad consensus that A.J. Green would be a more valuable NFL receiver than Julio Jones.  Nearly every pundit, columnist, and talking-head rated Mr. Green higher (including Mel Kiper’s giant talking-head).  The Bengals organization certainly did, and the actions of the Falcons suggested that they did as well.  As a UGA graduate, I was also pining for A.J. to become a Falcon.  I was pretty disappointed on draft day.  I had seen A.J. make so many spectacular plays.  As for Julio, his broken-footed forty time impressed me, but I was disappointed that the Falcons traded so many picks for another unproven receiver who was “prone to drops”.

Today, I am very thankful that A.J. outperformed Julio at the college level.  If he hadn’t, the Falcons would have never been blessed with the opportunity to draft Julio.  I say this because Julio’s rookie year was much more impressive than A.J.’s, revealing a superior upside. The two receivers’ 2011 stats have been compared to death, with most concluding that their rookie years were a wash statistically.  However, most of the media has refused to even entertain the idea that Julio could be as good as A.J., or better.  It is as if they haven’t seen Julio’s 2011 highlights.  When they try to explain why they still favor A.J., they merely offer excuses or simply state that A.J. is better because he is better (that  is not a typo).  When the best arguments put forth are excuses (like A.J. didn’t have a great team around him), this is not a sign of a strong position, and is perhaps a signal that A.J. did not quite live up to expectations.  Other arguments I have heard in support of the “A.J. is better than Julio” theory are pathetic.  I’m sorry I don’t recall the sources of these comments, but I remember one pundit claiming that A.J. is superior because he is “the better receiver”, and another guy citing the undisputed fact that A.J. is a “baller”. In contrast to these network commentators who are ignorant of what we have brewing here in Atlanta, I have changed my draft day opinion to conclude that Julio is the better player and has the greatest NFL potential. I submit to you the video evidence.

This video highlights the major distinction between Julio and A.J.:  Whereas A.J. tries to dance his way into the end zone like a gazelle (A.J.’s nickname), Julio runs like his life depends upon getting the ball into the end zone, like a drug-fueled fugitive on “Cops” running for his freedom, like a “bat out of hell” (this should be Julio’s nickname).

The video shows that Julio’s approach and/or abilities are more suited to the NFL than A.J.’s.  When A.J tries a dance move or two to reach the end zone as he did at UGA, the time he wastes allows about half of the opposing speedy NFL defense to surround him.  All but one of A.J.’s touchdown catches were made in the end zone.  Julio, on the other hand, demonstrated that he can turn any catch into a touchdown if he is not tackled IMMEDIATELY.  If you are a defender standing between Julio and the goal line on any given play, you are statistically much less likely to tackle him than you are to watch him run by you or through you.  This is so valuable in the NFL where offenses only convert about fifty percent of red zone possessions into touchdowns.  Furthermore, Julio’s unstoppable nature humiliates opposing defenses, as he appears to be a man among boys in the secondary.  Perhaps I am viewing him through homer “beer goggles”, but I have not seen such potent power and speed dominance in any sport over the last two or three decades, with the exception of LeBron James.

The final comparison that the video illustrates is the differences between the ways the two receivers celebrate.  While A.J.’s celebrations are not elaborate or offensive, they are very typical for an NFL receiver because he does his celebrating alone, attracting attention to himself.  Julio, on the other hand, only celebrates with his teammates.  This quality, along with the fact that he runs near top speed and never looks over his shoulder all the way into the end zone, shows me that we drafted the receiver most likely to win a championship.  He will never distract a team a la T.O. or Randy Moss.  Quite the contrary, he will improve the focus of the entire team.

I’d like to conclude by going off on a tangent and specifically discussing the gazelle vs. the bat out of hell.  When I compared Julio to a bat, I wanted to make sure that a bat was faster than a gazelle.  I found that both can travel at about 40 mph in a straight path, but that bats can break 80 mph in a dive.  This was very satisfying not only because I would like to see the “bat out of hell” nickname stick for Julio, but also because the 70 mph Cheetah is often cited as the fastest land mammal, as well as the fastest mammal period.  Now we know that the bat is the fastest mammal.  So, I next had to find if any other living thing was faster than the fastest mammal.  It turns out that several birds are faster, and that the fastest is the falcon!!!  Watch a falcon demonstrate an ability to “stoop” (dive) at a record 242 mph here.

I have always loved the Falcons, but also thought that a medium sized bird of prey was kind of a lame mascot among a league of Bears, Giants, Vikings, Broncos, Raiders, or even Eagles.  Now knowing that a falcon can dive at over 240 mph, and then pull up just before it hits the ground to overcome over 25 g-forces, I am just a little bit prouder to be a Falcons fan.

“The Ankle Breaker” is the perfect nickname for our newly beloved Jacquizz. The term “ankle breaker” is a darkly comical way to refer to when a basketball player feints, jukes, or crossover dribbles so well that the defender ends up on the floor. Jaquizz did this on the field several times for Oregon State (minus the dribbling), and he showed that he could also bring a pro defender “down to turf”.  In this classic highlight, he appears to use a move or two to make the first Jaguar defender miss. However, upon closer examination in slow motion, he actually uses about eight separate mini-moves in the course of about one second, and all the defender can muster is a weak one-arm tackle attempt as he flails to the ground.

“The Ankle Breaker” also sounds like a cheesy pro wrestling name. Jacquizz deserves a pro wrestling nickname because he is such a physical specimen. His abdominal muscles look like he arranged eight bricks on a flat stomach and pulled a thin sheet of skin over them. His biceps and shoulders are each nearly as large as his head (minus the hair, of course). Last but not least, his massive glutes are not round when he flexes them to make a cut on the field, but built of right angles.

The fact that he runs so low to the ground and could literally break a defender’s ankle makes the nickname even more appropriate. At under 5’6” (Combine measurement), he and New Orleans’ Darren Sproles are essentially tied for the distinction of being the shortest running back in the NFL. However, Jacquizz is perhaps the shortest man the NFL has ever seen when he carries the ball in traffic. Rodgers likely stands about three feet off the ground when he does one of his deep knee-bends, or spreads his legs, or even leans forward or sideways at sub forty-five degree angles. His freakish strength makes him unique in this ability. Defensive linemen have always been sensitive to contact to their lower legs (John Abraham tore a rookie teammate’s helmet off and verbally abused him in response to a low block during minicamp), and rightfully so because it could result in a season-ending injury. Jacquizz’s extremely low ball-carrying profile combined with his incredible power could make defensive linemen a bit tentative when they see “The Ankle Breaker” line up behind Matt Ryan. If given the opportunity to pick their poison, some may even prefer to see Michael Turner in the backfield.

Jacquizz will be very fun to watch this year. We should repay him by giving him one of the greatest NFL nicknames of all time. When he jukes a defender out of his socks, we can say, “Ooh – Victimized by ‘The Ankle Breaker’”. When he rockets head first into the shins of the Saints defensive line, we can coyly say, “Aw Ankle Breaker – You shouldn’t have!” And when he carries the ball but you can’t see it because it is totally concealed beneath his massive arms, we can say, “He’s a mini-beast – That’s why we call him ‘The Ankle Breaker’”. Here’s to a breakout season for Rodgers, and to making the nickname stick!