The Dark Comedy of the 2014 Atlanta Falcons

I’ve had almost a week to digest the NFL equivalent of North Korean prison food: the Atlanta Falcons historically awful loss to the Detroit Lions in the earliest NFL game ever played (staying in bed dreaming of going to elementary school naked would have been less traumatic). With a second consecutive season of dashed hopes, the dark comedy of the 2014 Atlanta Falcons has transported me back to relive all of my ignominious memories as a suffering Falcons fan.

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I’m talking about the clown known as former Falcons head coach Jerry Glanville leaving tickets for Elvis at will call before each home game. MC Hammer hanging out on the sidelines during games in 1991 flashing his ridiculous “too legit to quit” hand gesture during the final season in the god-awful Fulton County Stadium.

How about when wide-receiver Andre Rison slapped his girlfriend Lisa “Left-Eye” Lopes of TLC in 1994 and she subsequently set his mansion on fire like she was the second-coming of General Sherman himself? Sometimes Karma doesn’t wait around.

Jeff George and Michael Booker… nothing more to say here, all I have to do is say those names and I feel like throat-punching a nun.

Speaking of throat-punching someone, how about the spineless Bobby Petrino jumping ship on the 2007 Falcons like that Italian cruise captain? The dark comedy here was him making an ass of himself during his infamous “Pig-Soiee” press conference days later. How much do we love to hate that guy?

Remember Harry Douglas with the worst prat fall ever when he tripped over absolutely nothing and fell on a wide-open pass play that would have all but sent the Falcons to their second Super Bowl after the 2012 season? Is a man’s equilibrium sucked out of him while wearing women’s deodorant?

I could go on for days about the sadly comedic history of the Falcons, but there’s plenty to laugh (cry?) about from this year just 8 games in. You know it’s bad when our friends at SBNation have the Falcons in contention for the most tragic team in the league.

Let’s start with how even after fielding one of the worst defenses last year, GM Thomas Dimitroff utterly ignored his team’s need for a pass rusher as if top NFL defenses aren’t based on stopping the pass. Unfortunately there’s plenty of darkness here, but no humor at all. Moving on…

In a brilliant marketing move, King’s Hawaiian chose the Falcons to advertise the softness of their buns. Mandatory Credit: Dale Zanine-USA TODAY Sports

Hard Knocks was when we should’ve all known this season was going to be worse for our health than a sack of Krystals burgers. I was so psyched to get a behind the scenes look at my beloved Falcons, but what I got was the most asinine display of reality TV that reminded me of why I hate reality TV so much.

They staged fights every ten minutes to show how “tough” they were going to be this season, but the Kings Hawaiian patches on their training camp jerseys kept reminding me of how soft they really are.

Then there was the miserable rookie talent nonsense low-lighted by Ra’Shede Hageman performance of “Feelin’ on Yo Booty.”

Speaking of Hageman, we just found out that he went online using Instagram to find weed.

Wait, what?!

Oh my. This is getting fired on your day off kind of stupid. How can a millionaire athlete living in Atlanta not know how to score a sack? Oh yeah, nobody on that defense knows how to get a sack.

“… a pass thrown with all the direction, velocity, and foresight of a wet towel.”-Jay Busbee of Yahoo! Sports on Matt Ryan’s horrific interception in London

While we’re on the subject of stupidity, exactly how can we measure just how bad Matt Ryan’s interception was against Detroit? Back in college I was a flag football referee for 3 years and I promise that I never witnessed a sorority girl throw such a bad pass. Jay Busbee of Yahoo! Sports described it as “…hideous, a pass thrown with all the direction, velocity and foresight of a wet towel.”

Okay, I can’t do this anymore. I thought writing this would be a cathartic release like imagining your ex’s cat getting tossed in a pool. I was wrong. Well, at least we don’t have to suffer through another ridiculous loss this week.

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