The Atlanta Falcons late season fan retention plan

It’s going to be a long rest-of-the-season for Atlanta Falcons fans. Eight more games with nothing at stake but draft order.

Watching Falcons head coach Dan Quinn drag out his football hara-kiri over eight more games will only keep us so engaged. We need more enticement to sit through the coming fiasco. Yeah, there’s the old rah-rah about playing for pride, but that’s not going to put butts in the seats and eyes on the tube.

Luckily, we are in Atlanta, where years of sports frustration taught us how to build on failure. There are ways to keep us riveted.

Obviously, we have to stay within the rules. As entertaining as it would be to, say, connect any two receivers on either side of the field by a 20-yard bungee cord at the waist, the league would disallow it. Too bad. The thought of Austin Hooper dragging Justin Hardy across the field and into the end zone is a SportsCenter moment waiting to happen.  But we have options.

1. Broadcast Falcons player reactions when the Gatorade in the squeeze bottles is secretly replaced by sausage gravy.

2. In an idea sparked by Jeff Benedict, don’t bother replacing Matt Bryant. No more field goal attempts. What good would they do at this point? I say waive the punter, too. You get first downs and, ultimately, a touchdown, or you give up possession after four futile attempts. No single points-after, either. Make the two-point conversion or settle for six.

Kick-off? Let long-snapper Josh Harris spend a few days with the Atlanta FC and learn how to wobble-kick a football ten yards. Every kick-off will be an onside scrum.

Our second half 2019 slogan? Tecmo Bowl football – We’re bringing it back.

3. Thanksgiving night with the Saints?

You mean Everybody Gets a Kazoo Night? I’m there. Let’s serenade Drew Brees. Everybody, ‘Achy, Breaky Heart’ in one, two, three…

4. Any reference to “The Brotherhood” replaced with Me and the other hobbits in The Shire.

5. Dan Quinn gets to keep his job but must dress for each game as a famous video game character. First up, Super Mario.

6. All Stadium music replaced with Institutionalized by Suicidal Tendencies.

7. No more fist-pumping.

The coaching staff will now be required to express their excitement through jazz hands.

8. Falcons Radio announcers Wes Durham and Dave Archer replaced by Ruxin and Rafi from The League.

9. Any Falcons player called for a penalty must leave the game and not return until they run a lap around the field. Boneheaded unsportsmanlike penalty laps must be completed with the shoes on the wrong feet and tied together.

10. Any zone pass coverage replaced with interpretative dance. The effectiveness should remain about the same.

11. No more cities, girls’ names, or colors. Audible signals will now be the names of TV show characters.

KRAMER…PICARD…HORSHACK…HORSHACK…HIKE…HIKE!

13. Mic up Arthur Blank.

...and what the Hell is he doing? Jeez, I coulda had Matt Lafleur, coulda had Bruce Arians, but, nooo, I had to give the team to this meathead. Where’s Dimitroff? Tell him to get me a cappuccino, or he’ll be managing a Hibbets this time next week…

14. Replace the Falcons cheerleaders with the gals from the Clermont Lounge.

15. Touchdowns must be celebrated in the open-invitation end zone mosh pit. Free admission to any PSL holder or their guests.

16. Let Freddie Falcon zip-line from the top of the stadium to the 50-yard line, grab a live snake with his talons, and eat it live at halftime.

17. Charge $10 a slap to contribute to a massive Thomas Dimitroff red belly. All proceeds go to CAA and other Falcons charities.

18. Any player in legal pre-snap motion must moonwalk until the ball is snapped.

19. Nitrous oxide in the oxygen tanks. The team that laughs together, wins together.

And, while it’s not specifically a game activity, an electric shock administered to Dan Quinn, any time he uses either the phrase we know what we have to do… or we have to fix it…. at his post-game press conference, is a goodwill gesture any true Falcons fan will appreciate.