The Atlanta Falcons; or, the Emperor’s New Uniforms

ATLANTA, GA - NOVEMBER 12: Adrian Clayborn
ATLANTA, GA - NOVEMBER 12: Adrian Clayborn /

The Atlanta Falcons will become one of the few teams to wear three different uniforms in three straight home games?

The Atlanta Falcons are reeling, but if they do crash and burn, at least they’re going out in style. Did you know that Atlanta will become one of the few teams to wear three different uniforms in three straight home games? And it figures, too; the Falcons couldn’t put more than three of anything together to save their lives.

The guys may have committed many football don’t’s this season, but how could they ever go wrong with these fashion do’s? The Falcons went retro against the Bucs, whom they defeated 34-20, which “puts the Falcons’ record at 2-2 [with those uniforms, one presumes],” thus dispelling the idea that “the black jerseys are cursed.” Let’s not jump to conclusions here; perhaps they are cursed but the Falcons have an extrinsic property which halves any damage taken from spells.

Atlanta went back to standard home uniforms, as well as standard home play, against the Minnesota Vikings on Sunday. The Falcons entered the interdivisional matchup on a three-game winning streak (during which Matt Ryan averaged 242.3 passing yards per game with a 5-1 TD-to-INT ratio, and the Falcons’ offense averaged 31.6 points per game) which had certain Yahoo Sports talking head stopping just short of suggesting Atlanta be awarded a bye to the Super Bowl.

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Some people must have fallen for it, though; the same sort of people who are under the impression that there is a difference between ‘analysis’ and ‘opinion.’ The Vikes proceeded to hold Ryan under 175 passing yards for the first time in four years, while Xavier Rhodes owned Julio Jones, as he is wont to do. Maybe it’s the regular uniforms that are cursed.

Next up is the dreaded ‘color rush;’ an all red outfit in the Falcons’ case.

"“Atlanta did not have an opportunity to wear its alternate all-red look last season on “Thursday Night Football,” says the team’s official website. “Well, the long wait is about to end.”"

If by “long wait” they mean, like, when you can’t wait to go to the dentist’s office just to get it over with already, then they’re 100 percent right. Last season the Falcons swept their rivals on Thursday, the Saints, 45-32 in New Orleans and 38-32 in The Lost City of Atlanta. However, the 2017 Saints don’t look a thing like the 2016 version of the team. If anything, the 2017 Saints look a lot like the 2016 Falcons.

Next: True or False: Are the Atlanta Falcons Super Bowl-Bound?

New Orleans leads the NFC South (the Falcons are third), Drew Brees leads the NFL in adjusted completion percentage at 80.2, the Saints’ offensive line has the second-best pass-blocking efficiency in the league and has cleared the path for the league’s most efficient rushing offense so far, and, defensive coordinator Dennis Allen said, cornerback Marshon Lattimore will hopefully male like Republica and “be ready to go.” NOLA will have the added motivation of putting the division away. The Falcons on the other hand will get Desmond Trufant back, which is not nothing. All things considered, though, Atlanta may want to start looking into uniforms made of the same alien material as William Katt’s suit in The Greatest American Hero.